"DON'T YOU TRUST ME?"

Have you ever been in a situation where you are sure certain people love you but they only show up to care in ways that interfere with your life and leave you hurt? They really love you, but they are doing a bad way of showing it, or they don't know you well enough to know how to show it, but whenever they try to help, they hurt you? What am saying might not make sense because thats the way I feel., I feel senseless. I feel hurt by people I love and value right now.

Last friday, I went Ice skating with our 5th-8th grade boys. For some reason a Majority of the boys who came are the ADD kind of ones( the ones who make me want to cry when they show up to class because I can't get them to sit still, keep quiet, focus, work and for some reason, the ones I easily fall inlove with, and pray for daily). We got to the skating ring, every bone in my body was telling me am crazy for even taking off my shoes and putting on the Iceskating ones. The real hussle though, was getting myself from the floor onto the ice. It was like putting me in an ocean, knowing I can't swim, and If you know me, you know if there is a thing that scares me to death is water. Everytime I see a Swimming pool, River, Lake, Sea, Ocean, my mind goes, "I can't swim, if I go in there I will drown, fail to breathe then die, lol". Am not afraid of the dying though, am afraid of the process it will take, haha.

At the skating ring all beginners seemed to be disciplined but this African freaked out and started shouting. I was refusing to be held by my director or fellow interns, I was refusing to skate thats all. These are people I work with and love but I couldn't trust them on the holding me part in the ring. I must have hurt their feelings but they kept going on like, "just try something new Vanessa, You know you can trust us, we believe in you, we will go slow, we won't leave you, just hold on to us, just do this and that., e.t.c" I gave in only because it was Ice not water, holding on to them I skated around , doing good, losing focus, falling , rising up, dragging them to the floor with me, rising up again till I circled the ring and then got out to catch my breath.

Out of the ring,  standing besides me was one of our boys who was going through the same experience I was. He kept going on and on about how he can't skate but he wishes he could, he felt bored and I began assuring him, he could do it, he just had to go in, learn, hold on to the guys, and all the time I thought why couldn't I just do what I was telling him? He gained courage went in, after being helped, following instructions, he started skating on his own and I was still out of the ring telling myself to just ask for help, just follow instructions, just do it. During this time the kid came to me and said,
"hold my hand and we will do it together,"
I thought "oh boy, but you just learned like 10 mins ago, you keep falling  and you are 11. "
I brushed him off but he persisted and said,
 " if you fall , just wake up, see I fall all the time but I stand".
He threw himself down and stood up just to show me. I felt so loved and another kid showed up around the same time telling me the same exact things and they each asked me," Don't you trust me?"

It was on Sunday at church that all this hit home,
First, I have been here telling the kids to just hold my hand, to just trust me, follow my lead but I never once thought the kids were asking me the same thing , to just hold their hand, trust them, love them. I went back to Camp this week, listened to them, run around with them, laugh with them, held them and I have so far had the most wonderful week with them since I came.
Second, Jesus is always saying to me, "Here, hold my hand , you can do it, if you fall just rise up, don't you trust me?
I have been wanting to hear from God in extraordinary ways, when I am blinded to Him speaking to me in the most mundane circumstances like 11 year old kids I work with daily, ice skating, chatting, facebook, doing laundry, sleeping, etc. If we pay attention in our daily activities, we will surely hear and see God, because He is at work in everything even the brokenness of the world(Psalm 139 describes this well). Today as I hurt, I remember my Ice skating trip and the hyperactive 11 years old Jesus used to tell me to just hold his hand, I can do it, if I fall I should rise up, we are in this together., and most importantly ask me the question, DON'T I TRUST HIM?

Oh. and Happy Valentines day :)