EARLY MARRIAGE TALES: THE STORY OF CHIFUNDO

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18

“Mariam came; she was crying, said her sister has been missing since last night.” Ethel came telling me. I pushed it aside and was like big girls don’t go missing, she is either sleeping over at a friend, she just didn’t tell her mother.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19

The next day in the morning I met Mariam, still crying and I just said, tell you mother to report this to the police. Later that evening, I was called by the mother and she told me that the police guys had told her to keep searching and when she finds her report again to them, or go back after five days of her not showing up.

She then said, “I am hearing rumors that she is married and now I need your help.”

ME

I am the one to give instructions on how to get a girl from the marriage home, not do the work. I am the one to inspire, and not the one to fight a community. I am the one to watch and pray, not act- when issues are this serious.

This time around though, there was an uneducated, traditional, old widowed mother, who has given her life to have her girls educated, her older sister in grade 11 and ME. I decided we could not base our actions on rumors, we had to find out if she was really at the place they said she was and if she was really married. With fear and anxiety, her sister and I started off following the rumors. We were jumpy since it was dark, everything sounded scary,  the dog barks, frightening squeaks and hisses, shadows lurking around, footsteps of invisible followers but we still made our way investigating and the moon led us to the house.

She just turned 17, in grade 9 and had really gotten married to a 2 times divorced father. The sister stayed back I approached, and I saw the man approach also, and I turned back. I had the assurance I needed, tomorrow, we would act.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20

I asked her mother to find elder women to accompany her in getting her daughter and do the cultural counselling on her, but no women took up the challenge. It was me and the mother again up to the rescue. As we got closer to the house, the mother bailed on me, told me she couldn’t do it and turned back. Standing there alone, scared, not sure what to say or do, not knowing what to expect and that’s when I prayed. “If any of you lacks wisdom, should ask from God,” James 1:5. By then the community was awake, and the women and children were following, laughing, gossiping and shouting.  

With a single knock, the girl came out, with fear and shame written all over her face. I asked if she could let me into her house for our privacy and dignity and then we talked. I barely knew the next question to ask. But in there she told me this;

CHIFUNDO’S STORY (this happened in 2 months)

The man was a chairman from the church choir she was a part of. One day after choir he told me he has a story to tell me but he needed to tell my mother first. I led him to my mother since the church is behind our house, but as we neared home he said, he had changed his mind he will just tell me later. The next choir practice he asked me to his place of business (he sells plastic shoes in the market), I said I couldn’t be able to come but he said I just had to, I still did not. The next day he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I refused, he pressed on and kept asking me to visit, and then he persisted day after day until I accepted. He asked me not to act shy when we are at choir so that nobody finds out. The only times we talked was during choir practice which is once a week. The next time we met, he told me that he had planned on just taking me forever. I refused and when I asked about my education, he said I will go to school at a later stage. I said I could never marry him, but he said I should wait and see.

He says he came back night after night and whistled so I come out and he takes me to his home, but I couldn’t hear him so he left. I asked why he came at night, he said, he had already told me that he will marry me and I had to wait and see. I went to choir practice on Monday and he asked to meet me at a nearby church, I refused, and left for home. He sent a friend who forced me back to the road he wanted me to go, while there, he followed me and said, this was the day.

He told his friend to take me to the place, I asked what place and he said, I will know it when I get there. I could walk a few steps then turn back , the friend would hold my hand, and force me on, till I finally asked him to let go of me I would follow, but he ignored me and said, I would run away. He held me tight and walked with me. We got to a house that had nobody in; I asked whose house this was, he told me, it is where I will now live. I tried to run away, they would stand on the door, and forced me in. I said I want to go home, they said it’s done, my time is gone, and I can’t go back. I said my mother would be worried, they said my mother was already worried, they are looking for me but all that is water under the bridge.

I stayed, when my husband left, the friend came to make sure I don’t run away. Whenever I thought I might have a chance to run, I thought my mum is disappointed in me already and  would kill me if I went back, so I stayed. And today he has told me to wait, he will come back soon, he will bring me firewood to start a firewood selling business.

US

After a lot of talking and deliberations, I asked if she wanted to stay or leave but she said, she was finished, she had been forced to have sex with the man four times already and she thinks she is pregnant, nobody would want to keep her, so she would rather stay married. I asked if she would let me keep her, she will stay with me, get help and go back to school, she kept quiet for a looong time, before she finally agreed to leave with me. I asked her to go get her belongings and leave with me, which she did, and we used a different road to my house, where she is now.

THE COMMUNITY

Chifundo said, “my mother in law, my primary school teacher, my grandmother and 2 other women came to advise me, they gave me a wrapper and K1000 ($2) and told me that I should stay loyal to my man and that when my parents and anybody else comes to pick me up, I should not open the door”.

These women were the ones telling her mother to let her go and accept that she was married, it was a choice she had made it had to be respected, or she will cause more trouble than the one they were in already.

The rest of the men and women surrounding us are gloating on why we took the girl from the marriage. They are saying, “Mbuzi ikalawa mchere sifuna kusiya-when a goat tastes salt it doesn’t want to stop” like the girl is irredeemable, she has tasted sex and marriage, she will want to go back. We are wasting our time and energy. We are bringing ourselves shame.

THE POLICE

Told us it is not a police case, since she is 17 and a consenting adult. We asked how, since the lawmakers have told us marriage age is 18, and they said, that was just talk, it’s not a law on paper.

TODAY

Its two weeks now since we got her from the man. She is slowly recovering from the shame and trauma, of being booed, ridiculed, laughed at, she is finally talking, laughing, singing and sharing her story. She is assuring me daily that she will not let me down, and that she doesn’t understand why she did what she did. The community is still talking, I am so certain in the next year or two the community will realize why we did what we did.

Thumbs up to RiseMalawi Ministries, Voices Awake: GirlsEquippedforChange, and all our partners in the work.
First picture taken today., Second picture taken on the day of rescue.

PS: Names I used are not real names.  For more information on sponsoring a girl email me on mwangalav@gmail.com, or whatsapp/call on +265888191832