If I have heard her talk about a woman she adores then
it’s her mother, the woman whose love, I never doubted. Maybe it’s because the
last time I saw her I was 5 and she was on her death bed, or because her last
words on that bed were to my mother and she said, “Promise me you will take
care of Vanessa.” I have learnt I am strong, unique and it’s just right that I
am a woman, and I am beginning to learn I got it from a line of women who
didn’t get a chance to know and believe they are strong, unique and are being
women right.
Her
Mother and mine
She got divorced when my mother was in 3rd
grade. Her husband was very abusive and she was brave enough to let go of a
marriage in a culture that prioritizes marriage, where divorce signifies
failure and it’s a shame. My grandmother left and took her daughter with her.
She would work and raise her child in a safe and loving environment. Later, she
remarried a man who not only became her husband but also her daughter’s father.
He adopted her daughter and loved her like his own. They became a complete
family bounded by love and a commitment to love.
Her
Daughter, My Mother
She was not poor. She had parents who provided
everything. She ate chicken and rice on more days than just Christmas. She
lived in a house that had electricity, running water, a telephone, a yard in
Malawian suburbs. Her parents had connections with people in high places and
her parents were so hardworking, they lacked not, they were religious and
grounded in their beliefs. She felt proud, she was beautiful well still is, she
was young and she thought she had it all. She was on top of the world and when
a handsome, charming young man who was every girls dream in the neighborhood
showed interest in her, she gave herself away. He became my father, and my
mother became a part of the statistics (teen pregnancies in Malawi). She was in
9th grade and she dropped out of school.
Her
Mother, My Grandmother
She decided to keep her unlike most parents in my
culture who disown their girls when they get pregnant. She told her not to get
married, unlike the norm that pushes young girls to get married once they are
pregnant. She encouraged her to keep the pregnancy, unlike most who get rid of
it to save themselves from the shame and inconvenience of having an unplanned
child. And when I was born, she committed to raising her baby while sending my
mother back to school. In my mother’s words, “keep the pregnancy, I will take care of the baby…said my mother.
And When my baby was born, my parents sent me back to school and they took care
of my baby well, sometimes they didn’t even let people think it was my baby,
they would say she is theirs.”
My
Mother, Me
She went back to school, Form 2 (Grade 10), having
learnt a huge lesson and she worked so hard got done with her high school and
went ahead to teachers training college and became a teacher. 2 years after
high school, her mother died, and I was 5. Her parents were the only parents I
knew, I thought my mum was my sister but life had changed and she had to take
care of me now. She and my father got married and a year later they took me in.
Me
My brother was born right then and made me a big
sister before my parents could baby me. I was so obnoxious, a very clever and
extra active kid who got spanked almost every day in order to behave. Always
talked a lot, played a lot and prayed a lot. There was never a dull moment with
me, such a charmer and loved taking care of everybody’s children. I had a
reputation. Had all these young men tell me I would be Miss Malawi when I grow
up and some say they were waiting to marry me when I grow up and I thought I
was the coolest kid around. I didn’t love learning but I loved winning. I never
hated being top or the center of attraction.
My
Mother
In her words...“When I started raising my daughter, I
started knowing what parenthood is. I knew what I had passed through, I did not
want her to go through that, and what my parents had been through, I did not
want to go through that. So, I tried hard to correct my child whenever she was
wrong. My daughter was too clever so I knew that this cleverness would lead us
into trouble. So, when I needed to talk to her, I would and where she needed
spanking I did. Even the bible says., “He who spares the rod hates his son, but
he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Proverbs 24:13. Above all, I
prayed for her. I would say, God, do not allow my daughter to go through what I
have, I prayed this over and over. This is what I did and still do and I think
it’s what has gotten us this far”.
Me
I didn’t mind the spanking, I hated the words that
came with it. I became bitter but I respected my mum especially seeing
everything she was sacrificing to make sure I got everything I needed to stay
in school, and make me more than she ever was. Every morning she woke up to
heat water for my bath, she had breakfast ready for me, and packed my lunch.
She knew the subjects I was not good at and found teachers and resources to
help me. She did small business (selling water, popcorn, homemade ice pops) to
bridge the gap between what we had and what we didn’t so that life happens for
me. She fed me enough rice, fries and chicken to make me dislike Nsima which
she now forces me to like. Seeing my mum survive abuse just for my brother and
I made me realize, I did not want to go through what she was going through and
the drive to have something better going on for me so that I rescue her, my
brother, me and other girls like me.
My
Mother and I
My mother wishes her mother was alive to see the young
woman I am, I wish my grandmother was alive to see how strong, enduring and
committed her daughter is. So many times, I have been stuck on what could have
been, what has failed that I am blinded to what is, what has been achieved. I
am learning from experience and from words not said. My mother learnt to love
from her mother, and to fight and endure. I have learnt to live, love, fight
and endure, from my mother. I have learnt to REBEL, from my grandmother and she
will never see this but my mother , has and my children, will. These are my great women who should know they are great.
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